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About Varied / Hobbyist Kristin LebovitzFemale/United States Groups :iconxslitxwristxtheoryx: XSlitxWristxTheoryX
xXxWhen Secrets are too muchxXx
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Not sure anyone will even read this but hello!

So, it's been over a year since I last wrote an update. Unfortunately I can not and will not sum up a year in a journal but lets hit some highlights.

1. I passed the hardest test of my life and became a licensed life saver. I then got a job as an EMT and have been working in the Boston area for quite a while. I had one partner that was perfect in a lot of ways mostly because he taught me to stand taller and gave me the strength to bring hopeless kids to the same hospitals I had once occupied. Now my new partner is a ray of sunshine and a great friend. 

2. My family has been through a lot. My sister was the victim in an armed robbery and was shot. This was a year ago this week and I am just happy to still have her in my life. My dad was also electrocuted at work last September and he amazingly survived that as well. We got lucky and I thank god that it's not just me and mom left. 

3. I am still with my boyfriend. Our relationship is crazy strong and I couldn't imagine being with anyone else. 

4. I am on my way to recovery and finally planning my first tattoo as a trophy. I'm feeling pretty "recovered" despite all the bad days. Because I totally know how to deal with them now. I haven't been on any medications for more than 2 years now probably. And do not have a therapist it's all my bad ass hard work. 

5. I have had 3 suicides very close to me in the last 7 months and this is igniting some long dormant ideas of speaking in schools. I have contacted my therapeutic high school and are working with them to create a alumni talk series based around the idea of "It gets better." I know my public school will be harder to crack but I will work on them. 

6. I have 3 jobs and am a part time student so I am very busy. Next week I go through training for the newest position and will have a 60 hr week plus class so wish me luck. Stress only makes me stronger. Bring it on.

Thank you for the years of support on here.  
  • Mood: Happy Tears
  • Listening to: The Plot In You
It is late at night. You are sitting next to me.
Every guard is lowered by the lack of eye contact. 
My eyes stay on the winding double yellow. 
Your pupils dance in the ghost reflections on the windows
Your watching the world rush past as you listen.
I feel like I can breath, even with all the powerful words bouncing around.
There is more space in this car than in most friendships.
I have turned down the heavy bass laced soundtrack,
And spent the last ten minutes relaying stories.
Not everything I say is the happiness I show others
But I am bragging that I am some kind of healthy.
When I am calm and emptied of the darkness
that's been clawing at my insides for weeks 
I glance at you and there is a smile waiting for me.
There is something in that smile that is pure kindness. 
Something rare and special. You care.
There is love in you, for other humans despite the darkness.

My thoughts wander to you in my boyfriends kitchen 
You are grinning at me over a cookie cupcake 
All I can think is that you are pure purple in that moment. 
The excitement in your eyes is like a sparkling fire 
I hope the joy is contagious as my lips tug into a smile 

You start spilling your shredded guts
A response equal to my own unburdening. 
I grin to myself in the darkness 
Knowing you needed to say these words
Your voice drips with poison.
You are angry and for a short moment I am surprised 
This is different than the girl I see in public.
Perhaps it is the darkness, the season, and the hour.
But somehow I know that in a small way I have earned some kind of trust.
You finish the short rant you needed to expel
quickly, without taking a breath, you punctuate everything with a laugh
A forgiveness, an apology, something to lessen the statements 
I am more surprised by this abrupt about face. 
Than I would be if you were targeting me.

You were letting it all go and then you pulled it back 
Who told you you couldn't get angry?
When did you learn to keep everyone happy?
I want to pull over and turn to you.
To assure you that these feelings are valid.
All I do now is take a long look to my right.
This moment might haunt me. 
It feels as if your giving up on feeling better. 
Like no matter how much you want to give up the poison
You would rather swallow it to keep everyone else comfortable. 
There is a part of me that knows you suffer in silence.
A part of me that knows the joy is not always truthful
But now I am angry that somewhere sometime someone taught you to keep it to yourself
If I have learned anything I know that choosing to drown yourself 
Is something taught, and something deadly. 
I rush to agree with your anger
I try to ignore your apologetic laugh
You do not need to be sorry. 

For the rest of the night I notice the laughter
The hollow echos of a half felt lie
I want to say something but I am too shy
I know you don't want saving
I know you only need a listener
I am not confident in this friendship enough to say something
I let my hug linger when I say goodbye. 
Wishing I was a better person so I could be trusted to help the most pure. 

More than anything I wish to give back to someone who gave me so much. 
Friendship
I love you like a sister. You are the best friend I never knew I needed. You revived my trust in friends. I have never met anyone like you. I hope I never have to say goodbye to your golden personality. Thank you for being my friend. The friend I needed and for being there just when I need you. There is a love between us that only comes from finding a soulmate in the form of a friend. 
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deviantID

kml91225
Kristin Lebovitz
Artist | Hobbyist | Varied
United States
I'm barely ever on here anymore but I noticed that I haven't updated this in 3 years because my age was WAY off. Hello I'm Kristin. I am currently an EMT working for an ambulance company and I love it. Also a part time student getting my pre-recs done for nursing school but still considering other options. I just accepted a new job and will work in an ER for one of the countries best hospitals. I am still with the same boyfriend of 5 years now. His name is Ryan, and I love him like crazy. I have been through a lot of things but I'm coming out of them and on the path of healing. I still write but I have less of a need to share so much of it.

Current Age: 20, Current Residence: MA, Favorite genre of music: Country, Alternitive, Hardcore, Metal, Favorite style of art: writing and poetry and photography,
Interests
Not sure anyone will even read this but hello!

So, it's been over a year since I last wrote an update. Unfortunately I can not and will not sum up a year in a journal but lets hit some highlights.

1. I passed the hardest test of my life and became a licensed life saver. I then got a job as an EMT and have been working in the Boston area for quite a while. I had one partner that was perfect in a lot of ways mostly because he taught me to stand taller and gave me the strength to bring hopeless kids to the same hospitals I had once occupied. Now my new partner is a ray of sunshine and a great friend. 

2. My family has been through a lot. My sister was the victim in an armed robbery and was shot. This was a year ago this week and I am just happy to still have her in my life. My dad was also electrocuted at work last September and he amazingly survived that as well. We got lucky and I thank god that it's not just me and mom left. 

3. I am still with my boyfriend. Our relationship is crazy strong and I couldn't imagine being with anyone else. 

4. I am on my way to recovery and finally planning my first tattoo as a trophy. I'm feeling pretty "recovered" despite all the bad days. Because I totally know how to deal with them now. I haven't been on any medications for more than 2 years now probably. And do not have a therapist it's all my bad ass hard work. 

5. I have had 3 suicides very close to me in the last 7 months and this is igniting some long dormant ideas of speaking in schools. I have contacted my therapeutic high school and are working with them to create a alumni talk series based around the idea of "It gets better." I know my public school will be harder to crack but I will work on them. 

6. I have 3 jobs and am a part time student so I am very busy. Next week I go through training for the newest position and will have a 60 hr week plus class so wish me luck. Stress only makes me stronger. Bring it on.

Thank you for the years of support on here.  
  • Mood: Happy Tears
  • Listening to: The Plot In You

Journal History

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Comments


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:icondaddthomas13:
daddthomas13 Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
Happy Birthday. Hope life is treating you good.
Reply
:iconjohnnyandme:
JohnnyandMe Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2014  Hobbyist
Please stop cutting it is not worth it. I used to cut myself and I know it is hard to stop but please try to not cut anymore. Try the butterfly project or something else if you like. 
Reply
:iconx-xspitfirex-x:
x-xSpitFirex-x Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
Thanks heaps for the fave :)
Reply
:iconcollien:
collien Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
thank you very much! :heart:
follow me on facebook if u like my art :aww:
facebook.com/collienfoto

stolen by collien
Reply
:iconcollien:
collien Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
thank you for the watch :heart:
Reply
:iconanab10sis:
anab10sis Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2013   General Artist
thanks for the fav!
Reply
:iconx-xspitfirex-x:
x-xSpitFirex-x Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you for the watch.
Reply
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