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Tomorrow I turn 18.
I am not seeing anyone
I am not doing anything
I will eat dinner with my family
I will smile like it's a great day
It feels like needles are sticking me in the brain
I'm so ....depressed.
All I can think is tonight is a good night for suicide
If i do it then I'll never make it to adulthood
How tragically perfect.
Tomorrow I will have to be fake.
Tonight I am alone and I think I'll show myself how sad I am
Wowzer
I feel like I just wrote my last update but it's been over a year. I don't know how that happened.
I should probably write another update even if it feels like screaming into the abyss. That will come later.
For now, I'm kinda wondering if anyone is still out there. Would anyone want more art? I might start posting again anyway.
I'm back to writing a bit more now. I think its a lot better than my mentally ill ramblings.
Feeling Like A Stranger
Not sure anyone will even read this but hello!
So, it's been over a year since I last wrote an update. Unfortunately I can not and will not sum up a year in a journal but lets hit some highlights.
1. I passed the hardest test of my life and became a licensed life saver. I then got a job as an EMT and have been working in the Boston area for quite a while. I had one partner that was perfect in a lot of ways mostly because he taught me to stand taller and gave me the strength to bring hopeless kids to the same hospitals I had once occupied. Now my new partner is a ray of sunshine and a great friend.
2. My family has been through a lot. My si
Good News
Lots has happened in 5ish months. I'll stay away from the bad. I want to tell you guys about something that was magical for me.
I took my boyfriend to New York.
Our 4 year anniversary is July 3 but I had to give him his gift early.
His favorite band played a show in NYC and it was the closest date that had VIP tickets. I got him one and then added the meet and greet package. I managed to keep it all a secret for like 2 months. I packed his fav band tee and when we settled into our hotel room I told him that nights plans. It went perfectly and I got to sneak into the meet and greet because roadies are amazing people.
It goes without sayi
Updating
Wow it's been a month since I last wrote to all of you. I'm still at home wasting away. They won't let me back to work because my head and the migraines are killer. Sitting around all day is really starting to get to me.
Something really horrible happened recently that triggered a whole shit ton of bad memories and I have no way to handle it because I have been sent to find a new therapist and am off all of my meds. Basically I am self destructing.
In a matter of about 10-15 days it will be a full year without being hospitalized but...I'm thinking it will either not last long after that or I just won't make it.
Physically I am awful so tha
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Honey, make your 18th birthday worth remembering. You may be faking your smile, but watch you'll come around and see that you smile because you're actually happy 
Don't live with regretting anything, and I promise you the easiest way to feel regret is if you never lived in the moment. Depression is a difficult thing to face, but you're not alone 
I've been pretty depressed myself and I have been having to hide it from my boyfriend. I can't even cry it out at night because he lives with me and we sleep in the same bed. I almost filled up my journal with all my thoughts. But I still manage to find a sliver of hope within my day. Even if it's just a simple joke from a person you barely talk to, it makes all the difference 
Don't live with regretting anything, and I promise you the easiest way to feel regret is if you never lived in the moment. Depression is a difficult thing to face, but you're not alone I've been pretty depressed myself and I have been having to hide it from my boyfriend. I can't even cry it out at night because he lives with me and we sleep in the same bed. I almost filled up my journal with all my thoughts. But I still manage to find a sliver of hope within my day. Even if it's just a simple joke from a person you barely talk to, it makes all the difference